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I hope I never have to run for my life. It wouldn’t end well.
Just pour the coffee and back away slowly.
I want to give up coffee, but I`d hate to do that to my coworkers.
I just responded to a text message with: I can`t hear you, you`re breaking up.
I’m not so much goofing off as impersonating upper management.
I kinda dig you, want to hang out and stuff until we hate each other?
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
Sometimes I just open up the cabinet and let the Tupperware hit me in the face on purpose.
I named my dog "5 Miles" so I can tell people, "I walk 5 Miles every day"
Celebrities on drugs, politicians having affairs, aliens living mail boxes....I love standing in the check out line, its better than the library....and it has food.
Marriage. Because your sh*tty day doesn`t have to end at work
I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.
Your so old, you knew Burger King when he was a prince.
"Did you know that life is a sexually transmitted disease with a 100% fatality rate?"
Volleyball is just a more intense game of "Don`t let the balloon touch the floor"