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Some people are like water balloons; they`re more fun when you throw them out the window.
The worlds gonna end in 5 days & I don`t know what I`m gonna wear.
Boss: Are you high? Me: You and I both know that I don`t make enough money to have a drug habit.
Shouldn`t there have been at least one scene in The Karate Kid where Daniel`s mom was like "Why are you constantly in that old man`s shed?"
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school] "It doesn`t matter if its a dog, it`s still called a cat scan"
Parenting tip: if you beat one child with the other child you can tell people they were just fighting. You`re welcome
whoever said that there are no stupid questions was stupid
Two heads aren`t better than one if you`re both stupid.
Whenever I`m feeling down... I try to make sure my nails are clipped.
Sometimes, even I`m afraid of the things my mind comes up with.
Exercise can add years to your life. For example, I just ran 2 miles and I now feel like I`m 82.
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
I swear, if Facebook changes their layout one more time, Iām going to post a status update about it & then use their site as much as always.
Happy Birthday to all those ladies that their men forgot about because it falls on Super Bowl Sunday this year.
If we all had to wear a warning label, what would yours say?