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My wife and I are dieting now… and by dieting, I mean we’re not telling each other about the junk food we eat.
There is no such thing as bad luck, there is good luck and life!
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, "Do you know what tomorrow is?" and watch the panic set in.
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji...
If I say “it’s a great day to be alive,” it’s because those are literally my only plans.
Here’s the thing about work: I really don’t feel like doing any.
You gotta hand it to blind prostitutes
Just think how cold and snowy it would be WITHOUT global warming!
What if your soulmate is over there on Twitter while you`re here on Facebook?
I`d be the stripper that got fired for eating her way out of the cake instead of jumping out of it.
Frozen water balloon fights... not a good idea.
7.1 billion people in the world. 0 willing to lower their standards and date me.
I love cooking with wine. Sometimes I even put it in the food. :)
You are like that one crazy wheel on a grocery cart.
Ever wonder if we`re just a reality TV show for a more intelligent species?