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Have you heard about the new movie called constipation? It hasn`t come out yet.
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she`s practising for her next selfie
Hmmmm, thats odd. . . .According to this height / weight chart. . . . I`m too short.
Well I was gonna donate blood today until the lady got all personal and started asking "who´s blood is this?" and "How did you get it?"
There are a few people I`d like to go to bed with but I can`t think of a single person I`d like to wake up with.
Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
You haven`t really made it until people start using your name as a verb.
Home sounds like a nice place, until they say they’re going to put you in one.
He won`t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to `SHUT YOUR DOG UP, D!CKS`
Alcohol doesn`t make you fat, it makes you lean..........against tables, chairs, walls, and garbage cans.
Yet another advantage of being single. All I bring to Thanksgiving is empty Tupperware...
Never squat with your spurs on
When a man talks dirty to a woman, its sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it’s $4.95 a minute.
Call me old school, but cigarettes should not have USB ports
Sometimes I send status updates from my phone so it looks like I left the house.