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Doctors and scientists agree on the benefits of an afternoon nap, yet still my boss thinks he knows better. Ridiculous.
I bet spongebob will get his license before Taylor Swift finds love.
I hate it when teachers say, “You think it’s funny?” Obviously it is, if it wasn’t I wouldn’t be laughing
Heard you like bad boys .... Well, I`m not trying to impress you or anything, but when Disney Channel asked me to go to their website with my parents permission, I didn`t ask my parents.
My neck, my back, my Netflix and my snacks.
Do u ever have the urge to tell someone to shut up even when they arent talking?
May your life one day be as awesome as you pretend it is on Facebook.
I dated this musician who used to play songs for me over the phone. Then I realized he was just putting me on hold.
Sometimes, the light at the end of the tunnel is just a lost guy with a flashlight.
I`m so good, I scream my own name out during sex.
You can always tell a lot about a woman the way she pours gasoline around your car.
A bachelor party seems more appropriate after a divorce than before a wedding.
I`d like to help you out ... Which way did you come in?
People always say, "You can`t have your cake and eat it too." I say, "Of course you can. Just make two cakes!"
Just sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellant. Now, he’ll never have any friends.