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Farts are just the ghosts of the things we eat.
I don`t necessarily enjoy being the bad influence...but hey, somebody has to do it!
I’m pretty busy today, so if you could just go ahead and offend yourself for me that would be great. Thanks!
I`m so broke, if somebody tried to rob me right now, they would just be practicing.
Just saw Abe Lincoln Vampire Hunter... So that`s how it happened! I knew what I learned in history class was a bunch of crap!
I think it’s funny when dogs hide under the bed when they’re scared. I’m like “you idiot, that’s the first place monsters go!”
Just saw a cop that had a U-Haul pulled over on the side of the road. Obviously he was trying to bust a move.
I once ran a Half Marathon. Well, I say that because it sounds better than saying I collapsed and almost died halfway through a Full Marathon.
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
I hate it when I see some old person and then realize that we went to school together
A fun way to "Break up" is to tell them to "Go long" and then never throw them the football.
B is the best letter of the alphabet: Boobs, Buns, Booty, Booze, Beer, Bourbon, and Bacon.
Reasons to date me: I laugh at my own jokes so you don`t have to.
If there`s anything I`ve learned in my 27 years, it`s to never admit your real age.
“Is it food time yet?” = The summarization of most of my thoughts.