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7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
Don`t do anything you`re not prepared to explain to a paramedic...
Why do people who insult themselves get mad when you agree with them?
True love doesn`t care about the look or size of your wallet, it`s all about what`s inside ..... the wallet.
Business plan : 1. hold sign that says "free hugs" 2. Whisper during the hug, "it`s $50 to let go"
Hardest thing in life: Trying to look happy when no money falls out of your birthday card.
Thanksgiving is an emotional holiday. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year, and then discover once a year is way too often.
My doctor told me to start killing people. Well it wasn`t those exact words. He said I needed to reduce the stress in my life.
I just used the self checkout in Walmart without needing assistance and they made me district manager.
You know what makes sex awesome? Actually having it.
All you single ladies, please stop saying you should just give up and get a cat. If no man wants you, don`t subject an innocent cat to a life with you.
I`m sorry, I`ll be busy this weekend walking around my house with mini alcohol bottles and fun size candy bars pretending I`m a giant.
I just bought a medical alert bracelet that says ... "Probably just sh!tfaced."
If I had a dollar for every time someone told me I was ugly, I`d be broke as hell because I`m a sexy beast!!
Ever wonder if we`re just a reality TV show for a more intelligent species?