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I hope Mexico doesn`t raise the cost of Tequila to pay for this wall.
When your girlfriend or wife says "lol have fun", do not have fun. Abort mission. I repeat. Abort mission.
If you’ve ever used Urban Dictionary to compose or decipher a text, congratulations, you`re over 40.
A good office manager never let`s you run out of ink, paper or vodka
By the time someone says something in the meeting worth writing down, I`ve likely already taken my pen apart and lost the spring.
If you feel down because you had a bad day! Chin up! Tomorrow is another day and the worst has yet to come!
While waiting for the right person, have fun with the wrong one.
A new study says schizophrenia and pot smoking are genetically linked — but don`t worry, another study says you`re just being paranoid.
Celery is 95% water and 100% not pizza
A boob job sounds like the best job in the world.
The early bird gets the worm. But the rest of the birds can get McGriddles until 10:30.
When I`m bored, I send a random text to a random number saying "I hid the body... now what?"
I don`t always say I`m never drinking again, but when I do, I`m a f*cking liar.
I asked my wife what women really want, she said attentive lovers. Or maybe she said "a tent of lovers." I wasn`t really listening.
Yesterday I saw something that reminded me of you. I almost stepped in it!