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If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it`s working.
Do you think that the guy who invented the vibrator heard voices saying, "if you build it they will come"?
If I treated others how I wanted to be treated, I`d be doing a ton of spontaneous sexual favors for random strangers.
Yes we`re friends on facebook but that`s where it ends, stop trying to talk to me in real life... mom
If I pat you on the back, there`s a 99% chance that I`m only using you as a napkin
This idiot from Apple reckons that the "Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down" warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
I get a real kick out of people who drive a mile in their car to run a mile on a treadmill.
I found a dollar in my bed this morning... Following my excitement was a flash of panic as I checked all my teeth
Calling all men...Eboli can live up to two months in semen..YES! You better wash your socks.
Currently under the influence of cold and flu medicine...my actions can not be held against me!
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
I swear my toddler yells at me in Vietnamese
I`m so, so sorry I started the whole Facebook Is Going To Start Charging thing. I didn`t think it would go THIS far..... sorry
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would`ve been a lot more interesting.
Noise canceling toilets should be a thing.