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*Removes smoke detector battery *Cooks in silence
How come when a girl has sex with everyone she`s a slut but when a guy has sex with everyone he`s my boyfriend
I give 2 star movies 5 stars on Netflix because if I sat through this piece of sh!t, I want you to as well.
It`s weird how in England the passenger drives the car
I have an irrational fear of speedbumps… but, I’m slowly getting over it.
when i have children im going to make them watch 2012 and tell them i survived all of that.
I`m not sure it`s possible to fill a moving truck these days without the word "Tetris" being brought into the conversation.
Maybe there`s no such thing as automatic doors, just gentlemen ninjas.
If Jesus is the reason for the season.......why is the church parking lot empty and Wal Marts is full?
You know you`re poor when you sneak into Sam`s Club with some random family just to eat samples for lunch. Yay... Christmas
Success, like a fart, only bothers people when its not their own.
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I`d probably have done better if they`d specified that they didn`t mean by tickling.
Good morning friends … Wait … what the hell m I doing up this early?
Of course women have cleaner minds than men. They change them much more often
Why must I prove I`m me, if I`m callin to pay my bill. Do strangers call to pay my bills? If they do, then let them, you idiots!