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My wife said we should try some role reversal in bed last night. So I said I had a headache.
If my superpower was to be able to stop time, I`d totally use it to take a nap without people noticing.
Love your neighbor ... but don`t get caught.
I`m proud of anyone who has quit doing drugs and alcohol, I don`t want to hang out with you now but I`m still proud...
It`s so cold out, I just seen a woman in 2 pairs of pajamas at Walmart...
Every Scooby-Doo episode would literally be two minutes long if the gang went to the mask store first and asked a few questions.
Sleep feels the way pizza tastes.
Dyslexics of the world.. UNTIE!
I found my wife through online dating. So, she`s definitely got some explaining to do!
Seems like 2013 was just yesterday.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
Just spent 20 minutes on the treadmill without breaking into a sweat......tomorrow I might even switch it on!
I can catch a speeding bullet- only once.
I wish I could forget you as easy as I forget my passwords.
Thanks to yesterday`s chili, I can definitively tell you that there are 242 tiles in this bathroom stall.