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Today I saw a baby with a bib that said `This dumbass put my cape on backwards.`
Guys: Bet a female friend that she can’t touch her bellybutton with both elbows. Enjoy the view.
Sitting on my hand until it gets numb so it feels like someone else is folding my laundry.
Facebook has suggested that I POKE you.
You call them French Fries…I call them Edible Ketchup Shovels.
Women say they love nerds until you whip out your Pokemon cards.
I`m gonna hang a Batman outfit in my closet to screw with myself when I get Alzheimer`s.
If you hear a roommate having loud sex, a cool thing to do is kick down the door and shout "player 3 has entered the game!"
If your dog loves hanging his head out the window of the car as you are driving, but growls when you blow in his face, you may need a breath mint.
I hear lots of doctors are prescribing medical marijuana for arthritis. Given that arthritis is "inflammation of the joints", it`s fighting fire with fire!
Sometimes Google should just come back with a message that says “trust me, you don’t want to know.”
Two wrongs may not make a right, but two Wrights made an airplane.
If turning alcohol into bad decisions ever becomes an Olympic event, I`m bringin` home the Gold! USA! USA!
Let’s just call a vacation what it is: the opportunity to live like an alcoholic for a little while.
I`m awesome ... Don`t question it, just deal with it.