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People of planet Earth, thank your gods that I`m not in charge of the red button.
My mom at night: Good night, sweet dreams I love you. My mom in the morning: Wake the f*ck up you lazy piece of sh!t.
The average fight between men lasts 3 minutes. The average fight between women lasts 17 years.
Today I will kick a$$, and make dreams happen...but first, Coffee.
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don`t have great childing skills either.
According to physics heat makes matter expand.....therefore I don`t have a weight problem....I`m just hot
With the rise of self-driving vehicles, eventually there will be a country song about how your truck left you too.
I have lots of great personality traits. Or as my doctor calls them, symptoms.
my ex-girlfriend is a famous porn star. But would she be pissed if she found out.
How does Ice-T order an Iced Tea without sounding like a douche?
Would people still go to the gym if Instagram didn`t exist?
Decided to cut back on my beer drinking. Fortunately, this martini is helping me through this tough time.
The self-driving car should have an "I`m Feeling Lucky" button that drives you to a random location.
You never really know if you`re over someone until you`re in the car and they`re in the crosswalk.
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.