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How do you know you`re old? ... Check your glove box for paper maps ...
I drink to make other people interesting.
Separating the men from the boys, one mood swing at a time.
The phrase “Don’t take this the wrong way.” has a zero percent success rate.
The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents. The second half will be ruined by our children
When I was a kid, I used to sing, `A, B, C,D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, ELEMENO, P`
How big does a cupcake have to be before it`s just a cake?
Don`t waste my timeline.
Sorry for nicking your car with my door, but you didn`t leave much room. It`s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
I went to Jared for my girlfriend`s Christmas gift. I`m sure she will love her Subway gift card.
Life is funnier when you have a dirty mind. ;)
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
I just sent out my daily text to a random number saying "I hit Zack with my truck. I`m going to need to use your hacksaw to cut him up.
Lazy Rule: If you spill water, It will eventually dry.
Why is "Pissed" an expression of being upset? I`ve never been so mad that I pee`d myself.