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Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some sh!t.
Now I lay me down to sleep, a bottle of vodka at my feet, if I should die before I wake, tell my friends I drank it straight.
Research shows that, when someone shouts "Oh no he didn`t!" ... He in fact did.
Is it weird to get naked during a massage? At what point can I ask the masseuse to put his pants back on?
Sorry, but breaking up with you on facebook was the best way of letting all your friends know I`m available.
WHEW! I just had a near-work experience.
Women who say the quickest way to a man`s heart is through his stomach, have not seen his browser history.
I feel sorry for people who don`t have dogs. I hear they have to pick up food they drop on the floor.
I`m thinking about starting a vegetarian dance club... I`m going to call it "lettuce turnip the beets". What do you think?
My roommate is going on a date tonight.. He said he`s convinced she IS coming home with him.. I`ve covered his room in Justin Bieber posters.. Now we wait..
If a gay guy doesn`t write a book called "Fifty Shades of Haaaaaayyy" I`ll be disappointed.
I would really like to help you move your furniture tomorrow, but I’m going to be too busy sitting on mine.
You`ll all be sorry when I figure out how to breathe fire.
I guess I`m somewhat of a big deal, when I tell people about my accomplishments, they always say, "Big deal."