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I saved someone`s life today. Well, I resisted the urge to strangle the life out of some idiot. That`s the same thing, right?
When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. Then go find somebody whose life gave them vodka and throw a party.
Saw some idiot put a water bottle where the Pringles go on the treadmill.
I`m sorry but sh!ts and giggles don`t sound like things I want to have happen at the same time.
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
"Hot singles in your area want nothing to do with you." -Honest spam
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That`s where I come in.
My girlfriend asked me to send some dirty pics. So I sent her a picture of my sink full of dishes. :)
You know it`s cold outside when during rush hour you get the mitten instead of the finger.
I`m 0-9 on finding secret rooms behind bookcases.
Welcome to Plastic Surgery Addicts Anonymous. I see a lot of new faces in the room this week and I`m very disappointed with all of you.
One dog was admiring another dog`s leash, and said, "I admire your restraint."
I don`t use cocaine, I just like the way it smells.