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"Check, please!" - Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
I have this great midnight snack it`s called, what do I think my roommate won`t notice if I eat the edges off of
It is totAlly unnecessary to put a PM after 23:00.
I have one question about Insanity, "Are we there yet"?
My favorite flavor of ice cream is yes.
Like my therapist always says, "I`m not your therapist, you`re just laying on a couch in Ikea"
My earthquake kit is just a tuxedo, because in case of a disaster, I want to look like the most important person to save.
GIRLS: To make a guy panic, simply ask, " Notice anything different?`... works EVERY time
Kid, I can take you out the same way I brought you into this world, by making it look like an accident.
Alcohol-The best night time: slurring, headache, dehydration, drink spilling, charm killing, so you think you can dance medicine.
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
I`d fight a bear for you. Well, not a grizzly or a brown bear. But maybe like a care bear. I`d fight one of those sonsabitches for you.
I will probably die as a result of being sarcastic to the wrong person at the wrong time.
They always say "love makes the world go around"... They spelled beer wrong.
Iām going to be very busy in the afterlife. the list of people Iām going to haunt grows everyday.