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Damn boy! Are you a slinky? Cause I wanna wanna push you down a flight of stairs, then kick you when you stop halfway to the bottom.
Did you ever notice that the doctor’s bill is always a lot more readable than the doctor’s prescription?
I used to be a class act......or clown,as my 7th grade teacher would tell my parents!!
Women can brutally and methodically destroy your life. But they let you see their tits along the way so it`s totally cool.
New kitchen game: `Fridge and Cupboard Tetris`- Putting the possibility of being pummeled by a food avalanche on a whole new level of adventure.
Fact: 96% of all arguments end with somebody saying “Google that shit!”
If you run into someone you know and they say "we should hang out sometime", say "I`m ready to hang out now" and watch them panic.
I don`t think I get enough credit for the fact that I do all of this unmedicated.
We`re all brave until we realize the cockroach has wings
Imagine how much faster Olympic sprinters could run if they saw their wives going through their phones at the finish line
I have an alcohol problem, in that I can`t afford any.
When you`re tucking your kids in at night, read them a few select Facebook statuses, kiss them on the forehead and whisper "This is why we must stay in school."
All I`m saying is, you`ve never seen me crying and eating tacos at the same time
"There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU." Things I say to my kids when we`re in public.
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang - So I shot him..