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I want my next girl to be crazy but more "Lets have sex in public" crazy rather than "I throw hot coffee in your face" crazy.
Whenever I start feeling spontaneous, my bank account quietly reminds me to calm down.
If you put root beer in a square cup, do you get beer?……………………. (you smart people grinned didn’t you.)
I hide from people too, so I get it bigfoot, I get it.
Sometimes when I`m bored I crawl into a corner of my room and pretend I`m a person.
Sometimes I get so mad at myself for being too lazy that I don`t even do anything about it.
Sometimes I think these Kardashians are just doing stuff for the attention.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats
"Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it, I better call the police!" - literally no one ever
How do you get in touch with the models in the pictures that come with the frame? I have an out of control, elaborate lie I need help with.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won`t send my dog to obedience school
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn`t even value half of all his assets.
I always learn from the mistake of others who take my advice.
Having a pen!s is like having a friend that always wants to play.
Happy birthday you motor boatin SOB! Have a great day