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I have a new rule: No one is allowed to talk to me for a minimum of 24 hours after I wake up.
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
The statement ‘Hey! Calm down!’ has a zero to no success rate of getting someone to calm down.
I’m just like everyone else: I put my straight jacket on one buckle at a time.
I go to a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering "You look fat in those pants".
Its O.K. to laugh during sex … just don’t point ! ... trust me
My living room is pretty much a fat camp without rules.
That frustrating feeling when the microwave trips the circuit breaker and you have no idea how much longer your lunch needs to be nuked.
Put your gossiping skills to the test, go write a novel...
I think my TV remote has developed some sort of Romulan cloaking technology.
Whenever I fill out a job application with a box for "Race," I add a question mark and then write, "Anytime. Anywhere."
If Guys Wrote Valentine’s Cards: “I don’t even need beer to think you’re attractive.”
So does screaming at my son in Chuck E. Cheese because he won`t share his game tokens with me make me an evil person? Just kidding! I have no clue whose kid this is.
My husband told me he needed more space ... So I locked him outside.