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On the bright side, all that coal will keep me warm this winter.
I started seeing this girl recently. She sometimes texts. Sometimes Whatsapps. Sometimes she emails. Sometimes she Facebooks. Im getting mixed messages.
Did you know that if you light a candle under the moonlight and you say 3 times the name of the person you love, you will look really stupid doing that!
Mondays aren`t so bad... it`s my job that sucks.
Just bought me a medical alert bracelet that says... "probably just sh!tfaced"
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, "Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!"
I`m fortunate that anger and nicotine have zero calories.
“I” before “E” especially after “P”. Mmmm pie
There’s nothing worse than getting $0.99 back in change.
I found a dollar in my bed this morning... Following my excitement was a flash of panic as I checked all my teeth
Women might be able to fake orgasms, but men can fake a whole relationship.
Life hack: You can park wherever you want if you put your hazard lights on and take your tire off.
My wife was so sick this morning that I had to carry her to the kitchen to make my breakfast.
I`m at the age where if someone says "Go big or go home," I`m usually fine with going home.
I`ve given up on giving up.