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People that use statistics in everyday arguments are a$$holes 100% of the time.
Let`s lay in bed all day & trade sexual favors for trips to the fridge
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself: "I`m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute."
It`s almost Valentines Day and I still don`t know what to get myself yet.
I like to take, long, romantic walks, to the fridge. <3
So apparently RSVP`ing back to a wedding invite `maybe next time` isn`t the correct response
You know what`s the best part about waking up early? Nothing, it sucks!
If you think buying condoms is awkward, try returning them...
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
Everyone, please... a moment of silence for all my married friends who have a shared Facebook account.
Every time I`m about to win an argument with my wife, someone wakes me up...
For some reason, I`m an extremely secretive person. Don`t ask me why!
I`ve accidentally swallowed a load of scrabble pieces.........My next poop could spell trouble.
I thought "twerking" was short for "networking". I really embarrassed myself while giving that presentation to the company`s Board of Directors.
Horse racing is like NASCAR only slower and with poop.