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Whenever I open my fridge, my dog looks at me with a puzzled look and he thinks, “why don’t you eat all the food?”
Sometimes the smartest thing you can do is play dumb.
Cut out the middleman and just list 911 as your emergency contact.
The buses don`t go where you live do they.
Every job in the world should require their employees to enter and leave work in a Soul Train line.
I`m undecided about which pants to wear today...Smarty of Fancy?
People pay to sponsor animals in the wild and get pic updates on it. Well if anyone would like to sponsor me I will send you a selfie a day.
The only thing I`ve learned from my mistakes is that I make a whole bunch of them
I swear, if one more person calls me an alcoholic they are getting a high five too.
What if oxygen makes our voice really deep, and Helium just brings it back to normal?
I’m glad I’m me, I don’t think anybody else could take it.
Alcohol – The best night time: slurring, headache, dehydration, drink spilling, charm killing, so you think you can dance “medicine.”
Tip to reduce weight, first turn your head to the left and then turn it to the right. Repeat this exercise every time you are offered something to eat.
Now they are saying that the Zika virus is sexually transmittable. What kind of pervert is having sex with a mosquito?
Twitter is proof that people should not be allowed to name themselves.