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I`m well on my way to getting absolutely nothing done today.
Girls don`t dress for guys, they dress for themselves. If they dressed for guys they would be naked all the time
Let`s go to my place and do the things I`ll tell everyone we did anyway.
Sometimes it looks like Iām flashing gang signs, but really Iām just trying to get Scotch tape off my hand.
Iām alone in my car. Counting it as a vacation.
It`s been discovered that 1% of the population is allergic to Gluten. The other 99% are sick and tired of hearing about it......
My phone dies faster than a black man in a horror film.
Legalizing same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
Just saw the first duckface of Spring.
I don`t call it lying down, I call it landscape mode.
Christmas is truly a magical time. It`s made all my money disappear!
I`ve totally cut carbs out of my diet. Until lunch.
I`ve been having real problems with nuisance phone calls lately. The most common one seems to be "You said you`d be home from the bar three f*cking hours ago!"
I have a confession to make... "I want to get back with my ex"...LOL Just Kidding..."I`d rather shit in my hands and clap !"
The police want to interview me. Strange, I didn`t even apply for a job.