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Setting my coffee maker to `stun`
My hand is stuck in a Pringles can. I`ll just leave it there. I`m not hiding who I am anymore.
Limbo champion walks into a bar...he`s disqualified.
As your best friend, I swear to always pretend to be your lesbian lover when you are getting hit on by an ulgy ass hole in a bar.
My therapist says I am too preoccupied by vengeance.... We`ll see about that.
Saw a bird sh*t on my car, so I ate scrambled eggs on my front step, just to show him what I`m capable of.
Do strippers have nightmares where they are in front of a large crowd with their clothes on?
When you say "9 out of 10 forest fires are caused by humans." All I hear is "there`s a bear out there that knows how to use matches."
I Like this quote. I dislike this quote. I am so clever that sometimes I don´t understand a single word of what I am saying.
Buying my wife a matching belt and bag for her birthday. We`ll have that vacuum cleaner working in no time.
Why does no one ever talk about where a bear pees?
If you try to fail but you succeed which have you done?
What do you mean casual Friday does not mean drink wine and get drunk at work
"It`s not about who`s right or wrong."~ The person that is wrong
It takes so much self control for me not to write, "you sure about that?" under Facebook engagement announcements.