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Radio Shack has stayed in business with a name combining something no one buys anymore and a type of building no one wants to go into.
If Shrek can find love, so can you. What I`m trying to say is, you look like Shrek.
Sorry I yelled "April Fool`s" while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
My wife said I can definitely have a man cave, if that`s what I want to start calling the hall closet.
If you feel down because you had a bad day! Chin up! Tomorrow is another day and the worst has yet to come!
I think every Taco Bell value meal should be called a "Number 2".
How long do I microwave this 14 lb turkey?
I saw a Facebook ad for burial plots and I thought, that`s the last thing I need.
I would like to be a Disney Princess...You know, where I have random animals showing up to help with the housework!
I`ve learned more from one season of "Shark tank", than I ever learned in four years of buisness school.
Never forget that we live in a world in which it is easier to get out of a marriage than a mobile-phone contract.
A recent report shows that people who smoke weed get into 85% fewer car crashes than drunk people. Obviously. It`s a lot easier to see what`s coming when you`re only driving at eleven miles an hour.
I fell asleep with infomercials playing on the TV.... I woke up with a strange desire to do P90X with a Shake Weight while in my Snuggie
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
Another year has passed. I`ve just about given up on the Mayans.