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The Bible is pretty accurate...Especially when thrown at close range.
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
Christmas trees are like boobs...the fake ones are nice to look at... But the real ones are so much better
My wife and I decided not to have children. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
Iām late for a disappointment.
If you use the word "gay" to desrcribe something that is "merry or happy" then you`re gay.
People ā the most gentle, loving, kind, sympathetic, peaceful and caring creatures in the world. Especially when they need something from you.
The TV is so loud! But not quite loud enough to make me get up and get the remote.
Walking past a new employee`s desk & yelling, "Do you think it`s a good idea to be surfing porn on your first day?" will never get old.
I need medical attention, but I will settle for just regular attention.
I am convinced that Kellogg`s works for our Government and all that Snap, Crackle, Pop is CODE.......
I wish I was as skinny as I was the first time I thought I was fat.
This day will end with either wine or shopping. Probably both.
My wife is driving me to drink. I hope she remembers to pick me up when Iām done.
Backseat drivers are the worst. They`re always like "the light is red!" and "don`t text and drive!" and "oh god, I think that was a person!"