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I always read my wife`s Horoscope to see what kind of day I`M going to have...!!
"I don`t know what the f*ck this tastes like." - first person to eat chicken.
There aren’t enough days in the weekend.
Next time you are sad remember you can make a cheeseburger with donuts as the bun. Still sad? Add Sprinkles
I was enjoying our conversation, but then I stopped talking and the whole thing got really boring.
Ladies, if he calls you crazy, don`t get upset. Crazy girls are better in bed so take it as a compliment. But stab him, just in case...
Those teardrop tattoos mean you cried during the notebook, right?
Time to be an adult and give up my bath time rubber ducky. I´m upgrading to the tugboat!
When people tell me knock knock jokes, I pretend I`m not home.
Whenever I watch the TV show Friends, I imagine I`m the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him.
Don`t be ashamed of who you are. That`s your parents job.
If you`re buying Smart Water for 4$ a bottle,, I`m sorry to tell you it`s not working
Who is the genius that decided Little League uniforms be white? My guess is Tide laundry detergent.
A day without sunshine is like, you know... night
How long do I have to lay on the couch in the same position before I can call it "yoga"?