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Got kicked out of the local casino again. Apparently, gold chocolate coins mess up their slot machines or something.
The only time my wife will ever scream "DEEPER, DEEPER" is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
Life is like a box of chocolates and you`re on a diet so you can`t even enjoy it.
This is bullshit. It`s like the cops don`t even know that the speed limit is different when you`re listening to AC/DC.
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two.
It isn’t premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married, right?
When I get a prescription for drugs, I don`t ask, `Will it work? Are there any side effects?` No, it`s `Can I drink with these?`
The key to my heart is shaped like a bottle opener.
I hope this snowstorm doesn`t impact my schedule of aimlessly wasting my day online.....
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to.
I tell my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
WOULD YOU RATHER: have six arms or giant antlers? (You don’t really get a choice; the surgeons were just sort of curious.)
Do me a favor if someone tells you they don`t like me , tell them I don`t like them either.
Let’s all agree to stop saying “I read about it somewhere” and admit that we saw it on Law and Order.
Just once I`d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do...Without being dragged out being told, "Ma`am, you`re not the bride..."