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79% of accidents happen in the home....... Finally, good news for the homeless
When people ask me what I did over the weekend, I always squint and respond “Why, what did you hear?”
Scratching off a lotto ticket before you leave the store is a good way of letting people know that your life isn`t going according to plan.
This complimentary lemonade at the doctor`s office tastes funny.
When I was kid, I... No wait, I still do that.
Lazy is a very strong word, I like to call it “selective participation.”
I like Tuesday, it rhymes with Boozeday...
I like to walk around the house naked. Until the cops chase me back inside.
loves driving down the road and just waving at random people like you know them!:D
How to cure a headache: 1. Drink a glass of water. 2. Take 10 deep breathes. 3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
I might get a job cleaning mirrors,its a job I can see myself doing.
I hate mosquitoes, I mean I know I’m delicious but damn.
Have you ever wondered if Dora is smuggling drugs in her backpack?
Looks like you have a lot on your mind. Do you wanna drink about it?
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn`t eat.