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I tend to avoid things that make me look fat. You know like scales, mirrors and photographs
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
Lots of us suffer in silence. You should try it.
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, "You gotta bring it today!" ... So I packed a lunch and went to work.
Technology is outpacing my ability to come up with convincing lies that I didn`t get your message.
I know you`re supposed to have 3 balanced meals a day, but how many can I have at night?
People who talk to themselves tend to be better lovers. Did you know that? Yes, I did know that. Thank you for asking.
When I`m bored I like to call in sick to places I don`t work for. I`m getting written up at Kohls.
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they`re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
The only thing us men clean at home is our browser history
Life hack: You can park wherever you want if you put your hazard lights on and take your tire off.
If you’ve gauged huge holes in your ears and don’t keep Oreo cookies in them for snacks then what the hell’s the point man?
I`m absolutely nailing this "I give a sh!t" face today!
I`m so lonely I drive around town with a coffee cup glued to the roof of my car just so people will wave at me.
I`ve been around the block a few times.....but only because I was too drunk to find my house.