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"IT`S A BOY" I shouted, tears rolling down my face "I DON`T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!" It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
One day my fridge will take revenge on me by opening my bedroom door every half hour, staring at me for a few minutes and then leave.
Some people, even in photos, just look like they smell horrible.
I guess I`m somewhat of a big deal, I tell people about my accomplishments and they say "big Deal
I didn`t sleep well last night so this morning I made my coffee with Red Bull instead of water. Half way to work I realized I forgot my car.
You know you`re a bad driver when Siri tells you "after 400 feet stop and let me out"
I`m just wondering what the employees at the Weather Channel make small talk about.
It`s depressing to think how much more Dora the Explorer has seen and done in her life compared to mine.
I told my girlfriend to get me a newspaper. Dont be silly, she replied. Borrow my iPad. That spider never knew what f*cking hit it.
How do you get in touch with the models in the pictures that come with the frame? I have an out of control, elaborate lie I need help with.
You always remember your first Crush. Mine was Orange.
Grown up pandas eat for 12 hours a day. In related news, it turns out I’m not fat. I’m a panda.
It takes patience to listen.., it takes skill to pretend you’re listening.
Kinda funny how the Mayans said we were all gonna die in 2012, but they all disappeared way before us.
It`s okay I`ll text myself back.