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I tried stuff once. It was horrible.
People with pierced nipples have no excuse for losing their keys.
I said "Candyman" 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
Why is it called cliffhanger and not
I hate when I spend the extra money to buy organic vegetables only to get home and find out that I bought regular donuts.
I`m not saying you`re an idiot. I`m just saying that....Umm how do I word this?? I guess I am saying your`e an idiot.
I`ve robbed banks before...and they`re never getting their pens back.
Singing in the shower is illegal according to this Ikea security guard.
We all have that one friend that needs to learn how to whisper.
I`ve officially met everyone`s mother yesterday via Facebook so I`m pretty sure that takes me out of the friend zone here ladies
True love is biting a slice of pizza when you`re fully aware that it will burn the roof of your mouth.
I tried sniffing coke once but the ice cubes kept getting sucked in my nose!
I`ve been married twice. The next wife I have will be someone else`s and she can just go home when she`s mad at me.
If you think about it, before the first mirror was invented, if you didn’t live near a body of water, you had no idea what you looked like.
I don`t drink to feel better about myself. I drink to feel better about being with you