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When pornstars get up to speak in front of a large group, do they picture people with their clothes on?
This guy keeps asking me to help pet his neglected, one-eyed trouser snake. What a sweet guy! I think he`s a vet. Ladieeees! A doctor!!
I`m allergic to gluten free diets.
I flunked anger management class.
Stress from children can take 10 yrs off your life Drinking alcohol from stress can take another 10 yrs Based on my math, I died 5 yrs ago
Facebook is cheaper than therapy, twice as effective & you can do it naked.
You laugh because I`m different ........... I laugh because I farted.
You`ve been on more hotel pillows then chocolate mints.
My doctor asked if any members of you family suffers from insanity, I replied "nope they seem to enjoy it!"
Never hire a color blind Bomb Technician.
The success of a marriage hinges entirely on the ability to know which of your wife’s clothing is okay to go into the dryer.
I`m CDO. It`s like OCD but the letters are in alphabetical order. LIKE THEY SHOULD BE!!!
I`m so lonely I drive around town with a coffee cup glued to the roof of my car just so people will wave at me.
We can land a rover on an asteroid, but they can`t make a can of shaving cream that doesn`t spill 1/10th of it`s contents after every use.
I wish life had a “rewind-the-weekend” button.