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You know its cold out ......when you go outside..... and it`s cold out
If you don`t pay your exorcist do you get repossessed?
If my father taught me one thing, it was probably how to take both hands off the wheel to sarcastically applaud people in traffic.
Sometimes I feel like a loser for spending so much time on Facebook. Then I remember there are people out there who comment on pornhub videos
Sometimes Google should just come back with a message that says “trust me, you don’t want to know.”
The boss said I should let my creative juices flow. What he doesn’t know is that my creative juices are vodka and cranberry.
The only exercise I`ve done this month is running out of money
If Mary Poppins floated in on an umbrella today, they`d shoot her out of the sky with a drone.
Did you know you can buy live lobsters? Anyway, can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters.
I`ll be glad when it`s warm enough to pee outside!
I self medicate, therefore you live.
I love the smell of a liquor store in the morning!
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
Apparently, the average person looks at their phone 150 times a day. Not me. I look at it just once. For about 12 hours.
50 years ago you had to get really f*cking drunk to drop your phone in a urinal.