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Old meaning of sorry. "I won`t do it again." New meaning of sorry. "Damn I got caught, next time I need to be more careful."
I fell off the wagon because I was too drunk to keep my balance
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school] "It doesn`t matter if its a dog, it`s still called a cat scan"
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
Pringles cans should have a twist mechanism like stick deodorant.
Just think of how different the world would be if Noah had eaten those two chickens.
I should come with a warning label.
To all those that now have a DUI, domestic violence charge or one less finger... Happy 5th of July
You might call it ‘whipped.’ I call it `guy who’s getting laid.’
I`m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
It`s so strange to think that before Facebook all of this nonsense just stayed in people`s heads
There should be an "oh my god, shut up already" button.
Pizza: Round food, cut into triangles and put into a square box.
I like to start my day by taking a shower, having some coffee and going online for 14-16 hours.
I always write `wake up` on my to-do-list so I can at least accomplish one thing a day