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If I don`t make at least one person scream, "WTF" then my day is not done yet.
I feel bad for kids nowadays who can`t get the toys they want because their parents have to be 18 or older to call.
If, in your relationship, you hear "You`re suffocating me", you`re probably not holding down the pillow hard enough.
If you hold out your arms like Frankenstein when walking in a leg brace, people let you cut in line at Starbucks.
Hunting is easier for vegans because it’s easier to sneak up on plants.
If I were my boss, I`d never leave my coffee cup unattended.
April Fools Day has been cancelled this year.
If everyone would stop screaming, I`m sure we`d all agree I`m not supposed to be in this women`s restroom.
A night of insomnia is usually followed by a morning of browser history clearing
Hitting the snooze button is like hitting the “Next Episode” button on Netflix… it’s going to happen at least 3 times.
If you ever feel sad and blue, just remember that somewhere in the world, there`s a fat kid who just dropped his ice-cream.
You know you`re broke when your Bologna Does Not have a first name!
Sometimes bigger is just heavier
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
Women are like bacon: they look good, they smell good, they taste good, and they will slowly kill you