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I can not be held responsible for what my face does when you talk.
One of the first things they tell you in AA is to stop hanging around alcoholics. So I listened, and never went back.
Just seen the new Batman shampoo in Costco. I can`t believe they haven`t paired it up with a conditioner Gordon.
Why don’t we just take the safety labels off of everything and let this stupidity problem solve itself?
They say swearing is due to limited vocabulary. I know thousands of words, but I still prefer`f*ck off` to `go away`.
Patient: "The problem is that obesity runs in my family." Doctor: "No, the problem is no one runs in your family."
"I am upping my standards... so up yours!"
If you allow your pets to roam free in our neighborhood, I’m gonna put party hats on em. This is non-negotiable.
I spend more time looking in the fridge than I actually do eating.
The 21st century: When deleting history is more important than making it.
C`mon Netflix, we both know I`m watching the next episode. Just go ahead and start it.
Bananas are the strippers of the fruit world.
Sorry I mixed 50,000 instant pudding packets into your above ground pool
They say do what you love & the money will follow. I love doing nothing. We`ll see.
When I think of all the money I`ve spent on booze in my life, I wish I had it all back. Imagine all the booze I could buy!