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I love a good nap. Sometimes it`s the only thing that gets me out of bed in the morning.
Can`t dance? Spell your name....in the air...with your butt. BOOM! Next problem...
I can’t hang out tonight because I’m done with people for the day.
They don`t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts.
When I drink I become everybody`s friend which makes up for my hating everybody when I`m sober.
Interviewer: "What did you like best about your last job?" Me: "Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake."
I`ve been told I`m doing exceedingly well in my exaggeration therapy class, I think it`s because I`ve been giving it 180 percent.
Have you ever been cutting a piece of pager with scissors and worried that you might cut an atom in half and destroy the world?
They should just go ahead and put a volume setting on my TV that says "Eating Doritos".
All who post weather maps on FB. You know we have the internet too, right??
Ladies, wonder if he`s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
In other news millions of facebook user suddenly got their law degree
Who says I can`t relate to today`s youth? I overheard a teenager saying he loved "riding on E" and I was like "I totally get it, gas is so damn expensive".
Apple is looking to expand its market share among Latinos. No word yet on the release date of their newest device, the iCaramba.
Besides being curled up on the bathroom floor convinced I was dying from liver failure for a few hours, last night was fun.