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America: Where stairs are only used for emergency escape purposes.
Three things I’m thankful for this time of year: Family, Friends, and Caller ID to avoid family and friends
If I rapped I would have to start doing way more stuff because only so many things rhyme with couch.
If you can’t celebrate Valentine’s Day with someone you love, celebrate it with alcohol and pizza.
How does it change many dyslexics to take a lightbulb?
The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
No Girlfriend November was a success, now for Don`t Date December, Just Me January, Forever Alone February, No Match March..... I got this.
Just found out my daughter`s super power is repeating what I`ve said about others as soon as she meets them.
It’s 2015, why cant you unselect a floor in an elevator yet?
Can you do me a favour? Stand in front of my car, I need to test my brakes.
I`ve got a Tootsie Pop and seven hours until the aviary notices their Spotted Owl is missing. Let`s do this!
The problem with rich people is I`m not one of them.
"Has anybody ever seen a chicken fly? No? Good, there`s nothing wrong with ya"
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
No matter how compelling and convincing the other person’s argument is, you can always win a debate by adding “yeah, but still” at the end.