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Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right? Eve: Uh yeah, totally
McDonald’s steps 1) Get really excited about it 2) Eat it 3) Regret eating it 4) Wish you were dead 5) Repeat in a few months
Bad Morning: As I sit on the throne remembering I used all the toilet paper last night for Halloween pranks.
Forget beauty sleep. I want skinny sleep.
Dogs love you even if you’re ugly.
I`m leaving my body to science because even scientists need a good laugh now and then.
I love everybody. Some I love to be around. Some I love to avoid. And some I’d love to punch them in the face.
IRS: We`ve got what it takes to take what you`ve got.
I tried kickboxing, but I couldn`t get the hang of walking with boxing gloves on my feet.
One of the best uses I`ve ever found for invisible ink is when I signed my marriage license with it.
Never underestimate a woman’s ability to make anything your fault.
Would an obsession with the imperial measurement system be considered a foot fetish?
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Why isn`t cat food made from birds, mice and squirrels??
Nothing good ever came from drinking things that are on fire.