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Ever check your Facebook early in the morning where you have to close one eye because the screen is too bright?
Once in a while you meet a person that makes you smile when you think about them. They`re trouble. Stay away from them.
I just scrolled so far back on Facebook`s Timeline... I wound up back over on MySpace. :(
I`m just standing here...50 yards away, waiting for the restraining order to expire.
No great story started with someone drinking water.
Summer needs to slow the hell down.
Why are clothes so expensive? I shouldn`t have to pay so much to not be naked. Other people should pay me not to be naked.
This hangover feels like... I should take a shot.
Apparently my socks never remember “The Buddy System” whenever I wash them.
Judging by all of the cologne and shower sets I got for Christmas either people know I like to smell good or I am failing at it.
Hooters does have hot girls, but the Subway girls are the real wife material.
Roses are red, violets are blue, daisies are white, sunflowers are yellow. This florist has everything.
After watching "Breaking Bad" and the VMAs in the same night, I think I`d rather my kid be a meth dealer than a musician.
You know how we smack your household appliances when they`re malfunctioning and it makes them work? I wish you could do that with people.
Pizza delivery cars should be allowed to use sirens.