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Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
Sometimes I wish that I could put my wife on airplane mode.
Is it safe to take off my Winter Solstice Glasses yet?
If I had a cooking show, it would be called “Do You Smell Something Burning?”
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he`ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
Joggers always give each other a little nod when they pass, just like fat guys in a buffet line.
Every day I struggle between “I wanna look good naked” and “treat yourself.”
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
I’ve decided to get rid of my bad habits…just as soon as equally satisfying good habits become available.
My hearing is fine. There`s no need to repeat yourself! I ignored you perfectly well the first time.
Her dad said he`d like to see me make an honest woman out of her. I had to resist the urge to tell him that ship sailed long before me.
Some people are like Polaroids. You have to shake them violently before they make any sense.
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
Before Walmart you had to buy a ticket to the fair to see a bearded lady!
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon.