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I joined weight watchers last month, so far I lost 38 dollars...
If anyone every texts me "who is this" I always respond "Jake from State Farm"
So I didn`t want to wake up this morning and go to work. It`s not that I don`t like my job, it`s just that I like being lazy more.
I wanted to say thank you to all the people who gave me a reason to drink this Friday night.
"Open Mike Night" sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I`d been invited to an autopsy.
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
There’s a very short list of things you can have in your hand while running without looking crazy.
The truth is, I find it very stressful that Smokey thinks that I`m the only one that can prevent forest fires. I don`t feel trained for this, and I certainly didn`t sign up for the position.
I was in NYC and a black guy asked me if the Yankees won to which I replied, "Yeah, man, you`re free."
Nothing hides your feelings like the backspace key.
Hangman was my favorite childhood learning game that promoted hanging someone for a wrong answer.
One good thing about repeating your mistakes is that you know when to cringe.
I`m good at counting cards. I keep ending up with 52.
It`s the little things in life that count, like pills.
Taking a nap is always so risky like when will I wake up -- In 30 minutes? In 3 hours? In 9 years? No one can ever be sure.