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Secretly adding a tablespoon of butter to everything he eats is my long-term exit plan.
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn`t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
“Are you completely sure this isn’t textable?” -the perfect voicemail prompt.
As a kid, my parents told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, this is called “Identity Theft”.
That amazing moment when you smack the remote and it actually works!
Just because you have a beard doesn`t mean you`re a man. Last time I checked vaginas can grow hair too.
There`s a word for people like you and that word is "leave."
The skinny girl inside me once tried to come out. I shut that b*tch up with a cupcake
When a girl says: "If you can`t handle me at my worst, then you don`t deserve me at my best"... What she really means is: "I`m a f*ckin psycho."
They called themselves geologists because stoners was already taken.
I wouldn’t say your ugly, you are just beautichallenged.
The people who make medicine clearly have no idea what fruit tastes like
I`m going to start tackling random guys in football jerseys saying "look how he`s dressed. He was asking for it!"
Success is like being pregnant. Everybody congratulates you, But nobody knows how many times you were ****** before you got there.
4 out of 5 voices in my head think the other voice is a douche...