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If you just got invited to do something on New Year`s Eve, it means someone else cancelled.
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don`t want to do.
My trust issues began when there was no donkey in Donkey Kong.
60% of women fake orgasm.. 100% of men don`t give a sh*t about it..
Cops don’t like it when they tell you to put your hands up in the air...then you wave them like you just don’t care.
Friendship is like peeing on yourself; everyone can see it but only you can feel the warmth that it brings.
I’m glad we can’t smell each other through the internet.
The next time the creepy guy at the bar asks you "Why aren`t you smiling?" simply reply, "I don`t smile while I fart."
I have a moderate amount of skills in life, but one of those things does NOT include the ability to stop eating.
Good morning my friends ... Wait a minute ... What the f*ck am I doing up this early.
Really disappointed to find out after laser eye surgery I am unable to burn down buildings
And Jesus said, those footprints on the beach where two sets become one, that`s where I unfollowed you.
Statement: "Do you really love me?" True Meaning: "Ive done something stupid and youre going to find out sooner or later."
You ever want to just grab someone and say, WTF is wrong with you?
Hand sanitizer: the cut finder.