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I`ll never have a kid as cool as the one my parents did…
How to win an argument. 1. Have a vagina. 2. That’s it. 3. You win. 4. Congratulations.
Just got a message that said "Hey, I tried to call you"...that`s your problem right there....you should have never tried that.
Marriage is something you should pay for and divorce should be free. You might think twice before buying into it.
I don`t like thinking before I say something. I like to be just as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth
I don`t believe in karma, but I do believe in punching people in the face.
Pizza gal reads my order back to me and says,"You have one large thick sausage, anything else?" With a smirk I reply,"Yes, I`d also like to order a pizza."
Nothing screws up your Friday more than realizing it’s only Tuesday.
I should come with a warning label.
There may be no excuse for laziness, but I`m still looking.
Why am I always right but people still ignore me...?
Why do I even have unlimited texting?
My wife told me I have to quit playing poker all the time but I think she`s bluffing...
People like you are the reason people like me take pills.
I was at the hospital earlier today and saw a cute girl with a cast on her leg. Naturally, my first thought was "Hey, this one can`t run away..."