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My doctor told me to stop drinking...Then he told me to stop laughing.
School taught me a lot of stuff, but the most useful was how to get ready in 15 minutes
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting...
Gentlemen may not be extinct, but they are definitely endangered
On the bright side, all that coal will keep me warm this winter.
About 110,000 people contract chlamydia each month, more than signed up for Obamacare. Obamacare is less popular than chlamydia.
I just saw a 2 or 3yr old boy wearing a t-shirt that says, "if mom or dad wont buy it I`ll just sms grandma and grandpa"
"The Twilight Zone" makes me long for the days when you could smoke on a spaceship.
My love is like a candle, If you forget about me, I`ll burn your frikin house down!
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task.
My brain contains a few things I should know and the rest is just song lyrics.
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
Life hack: You can park wherever you want if you put your hazard lights on and take your tire off.
I`ve found a new coping mechanism....................COOKIES!
Just another day of not being rich and famous.