Daily Silly Status

If you just got invited to do something on New Year`s Eve, it means someone else cancelled.

Huge spoiler here ... Did you know Dave is actually NOT the real father of Alvin, Simon, and Theodore.

Going to drink straight from the carton because I`m a badass!

The IRS suggests filing early to reduce the chance that someone will steal your identity and file before you. Honestly, if somebody wants my identity so badly they`ll file my tax return for me, go crazy. You can mow my lawn while you`re at it, too.

Proposing to a woman isn’t like choosing a life-long business partner. It’s more like hiring your own boss.

Hardest question in a relationship, "What do you feel like eating?"

Two of the most honest people in the world; drunk people and little kids

I just saw a bus that you would look amazing under.

I was so angry when I found my wife’s profile on a dating website. That lying b!tch isn’t “fun to be around.”

Wine improves with age. I improve with wine.

Not only am I a master of suspense, but I...

I don’t care what women say, size matters in bed. The bigger the bed the more room you have to move around.

To Do: Figure out how to get paid to travel the world and eat.

I finally overcame my fear of skinny dipping. Unfortunately it cost me my YMCA membership.

Fitness? More like, fitness whole pizza in my mouth.