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School is like an erection. It`s long and hard unless you`re Asian.
I`m here to pick you up when you fall. Whether I tripped you is another thing...
How do blind people know when to stop wiping their asses
Whenever I check my weight, I always subtract 5 pounds. I don`t think that boobs and brains this fabulous should count against me.
Reverse Psychology: DO not STALK MY FB PAGE. YOU ARE not OBSESSED WITH ME...
My New Year`s resolution is to stop pointing my car alarm remote at my apartment front door expecting to unlock it
I don`t understand those couples that fight and a minute later change their facebook status to "single." I fight with my parents but you don`t see me change my status to "orphan."
? Taken ? Single ? So sexy that they’re all scared to go out with me.
Dreams are like pictures. I don`t care about yours unless I`m in them.
They say laughter is the best medicine... found out that`s not true for treating diarrhea.
I like to gaze up at the stars at night and think about how somewhere there is intelligent life that hates doing laundry as much as I do.
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
When I get bored I go to a car dealership and ask the salesman to lay in the trunk so I can "see how many I`ll be able to fit"
When it gets nice out I`m going to have a roof party and after that`s done have a painting party inside, come all
Turns out having boobs only gets you stuff if you don`t have a penis as well.