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I love running my fingers through my girlfriend`s hair. It`s also a great way to let her know we`re out of napkins.
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
Dear shaving commercials, stop shaving hairless legs. If you want impress us, please shave a gorilla.
One of these days I`m going to get help for my procrastination problem.
Seeing a spider isn`t a problem. It becomes a problem when the spider disappears.
I can’t hang out tonight because I’m done with people for the day.
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they`re all like "we need to talk."
I read an article the other day that said, "if you drink every day you are an alcoholic." Thank god I only drink every night
Can’t wait till I’m old and I can play the ‘fall asleep’ card in awkward situations.
If Crunch Berries aren`t considered fresh fruit I don`t think this diet is going to work out.
I kinda dig you, want to hang out and stuff until we hate each other?
The smaller the town, the bigger the sex cult.
Quick question, ladies: If you shave your eyebrows off and then draw them back on, what the hell are you doing?
Why are you walking away when we`re in the middle of discussing our wedding plans? Come back! ... At least give me your number!
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.