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Me, watching the Olympics: "That was impressive." Announcer: "ANOTHER DISASTROUS MISTAKE!"
Got my friend a Starbucks gift card. 2 weeks later I get a call. They said hey Dean, u put any money on this Starbucks gift card. I said no it´s a gift card. That´s the beauty of it u can put as much money on it as u want.
We still don`t know sh*t about that airplane. - NEWS
My high school girlfriend got "uses her kids as her facebook profile picture" fat.
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say "I`m affordable" instead of "I`m adorable".
Give a fish some bread and he`ll eat for a day. Teach a fish to be a flying piranha and he`ll eat for a lifetime.
In paintball, you should be allowed to use a paintbrush as a knife.
It`s hard to take life serious once you realize people jamming their genitals in each others mouths is considered a sign of affection.
I’d be unstoppable if it wasn’t for law enforcement and physics.
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
Thinking of opening a bar right next to a gym and call it “Decisions, Decisions”.
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
What am I doing with the rest of my life? I don`t even know what I`m doing with the rest of this post...
You can tell a lot about a person by putting a hidden camera in their bedroom.