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I hate crickets in my house.....except for the one I just killed. He seems ok.
I have an awesome idea, but first I`ll need a zebra, bungee cords, jello, and a partner in crime. Any takers?
It’s embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasn’t sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
Men use love to get sex...women use sex to get love...I use coupons to get pizza!
Dear liver…. Here is an advance sorry for tonight… sincerely Jimmy…
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
Like medicine, some people should only be allowed to talk in doses. Like 30 sentences three times a day.
Just saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster, I had to step in, They couldn`t even lift him, We high-fived & laughed
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck. But through hard work and perseverance, I now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
If all the worlds a stage and the men and women merely players, how come Justin Bieber gets all the airtime?
It`s not you, it`s me. I just don`t like myself when I`m around you.
Here Comes Honey Boo Boo has been canceled. In other news, my faith in humanity has been restored.
I always find the "easy-open tab" right after I finally manage to tear the package open with my teeth.
Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance… The five stages of waking up.
If you’re so much better than the leading brand then why are you not the leading brand?