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"There`s nothing sexier than a chick that knows how to work on cars" -Dudes, trying to get us to do that job too.
So vegetarians eat vegetables... I think I`m going to play it safe and avoid humanitarians.
If my smartphone was so smart, then why it can`t do my math homework
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Facebook. So sadly, this will be my last joke….. in which I talk about having a wife.
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
I almost got raped in jail last night. My family takes Monopoly very seriously.
I knew I`d be a great parent. Kids aren`t nearly as difficult to take care of as my drunk friends.
Eventually we’re just gonna have to accept “ducking” is a swear word.
* feels winds of change * realizes it`s just a hole in my shorts
"Trust your gut" is terrible advice. How can I put trust in something that tells me to eat an entire pizza when I get drunk?
Calling all men...Eboli can live up to two months in semen..YES! You better wash your socks.
You’d be amazed how often I’m wrong when people say guess what.
I hear there is scientific proof that birthdays are good for you... the more you have the longer you live.
Why do ballerinas always stand in their toes? Why don`t they get taller dancers?
The Olympians stories are amazing! The Ukrainian whose family was killed, the Korean who escaped slavery, the American who never had wifi.